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what am i missing???……

February 24, 2014

we sat at lunch today and he (my big boy) told me he’d begun listening to college lectures he’d downloaded from UC Berkeley.  He said “it’s  interesting how everything is connected”…..

i distinctly remember that moment when i was about his age that it dawned on me that EVERYTHING is connected.

it blew me away that he is there just now.  just alloffasudden……damn!  i miss that quiet tiny swaddled scrawny mr magoo look alike he once was.

i saw one of my oldest and best friends for the first time in a loooooooonnng time yesterday.  her daughter was there.  she’s his (his = above) age.  they were friends waaaaaaay back then, as well.  i was seriously pierced with longing for her little girliness.  i felt an ache for a little girl of my own.  (first time for everything.)  she made small talk with me.  while dreamy and polite and lovely and kind… irritated me a bit.  i wanted her running around on the playground after preschool…..

my ex husband apologized to me twice this past week.  TWICE.  TWO heartfelt genuine “i’m sorry’s”….  we hit a low point last week like no other.  which is a pretty amazing feat for us.  the words that were said, the implications that were made….i have tried to erase from my mind and my heart.  they were hurtful, mean and it was exhausting.  for once…and, quite possibly only this one time…i played no role in the argument.  both apologies were so incredibly sincere….loving, even.  a tone of voice i’ve not heard in years.  made me miss another time….another version….another story.

i’ve spoken to my “ex” father in law every day for a week.  his wife moved on to another plane this past weekend.  technically i am not sure what she was to me….my ex step mother in law?????? ha!  let’s bag that title and use friend.  she was that.  she was brave.  she was intelligent.  she was scrappy.  they’ve been married for years, but never had a church service.  he said he found a priest to “break the rules” and conduct a ceremony in the hospital.  a beginning just before the end.  it made me miss being married.  it made me miss my father- in -law.  it made me miss her.  it made me love true love.  even more.

we have migrated to a new tax software at work.  all……and i mean EACH AND EVERY ONE…..of our clients wants to know – WHY is the information different?  WHY are the forms different?  pUUUUUlease can i walk each of them through it.  i miss our old software.

i had a tipsy argument recently with someone i love.  someone that means the world to me.  i did contribute to this argument.  and, i did apologize.  however, i am not sure where they are now.  i mean, i know where their person is.  i just don’t know where they are.  MIA.  missing them.

my boys are a bit down this week, as they’ve lost a grandparent.  seems like a pretty grown up thing.  one has asked to read something he’s written at her service.  MORE than a lovely gesture.  but, also just a bit too grown up for me!  where are my little boys frolicking at my feet….????  (ha ha, that never fucking happened, but it’s a lovely visual)  made me wistful.

another fave friend brought her daughter to dinner this past saturday evening.  when it was time to go i wanted her to stay.  the daughter. we wanted to sit on the couch and watch movies.  i have known her since birth.  although, i loved that little girl always….i love this big girl  she is now SO much that i wanted to ditch her mom and have a sleepover with her!

seems this attachment of mine is self centered.  typical.

SO when i woke up at 3:27 a.m. this morning and scrolled through my inbox….my devotion, every single blog i read, every single motivational speaker i follow, even a scientific publication to which i subscribe was about detachment.  seriously!  not that the idea of detachment is novel, just interesting that that was the only theme this morning.  i went back and looked at them all again later to confirm….and it was EVERY single one.  about letting go.

if you know me at all or have read any of my drivel, you know i am ALL about the staying & that i am a “do not leave at all costs” kind of girl.

for a bit i have been hibernating, meditating, praying, preparing, staying safe and quiet and doing an inordinate amount of thinking about this latest period of my life.  without a doubt the most difficult.  in ways i could not have fathomed.

just to wrap my head around it, i counted on my fingers how many months it’s been going on.

9 months.  exactly.

gestation – the process of carrying or being carried in the womb between conception and birth.

seems so simple, to you, i’m sure!  i just missed it, until now….

letting go feels incredible.  peaceful.  like never before.

it IS all connected.

happy BIRTHday to me.

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