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suit of armor

March 13, 2014

i’ve been receiving many messages about courage of late.  wanted to know exact definition

  1. 1.
    the ability to do something that frightens one.
    “she called on all her courage to face the ordeal”

duh! fear.  i have been afraid lately.  afraid of letting go, as i mentioned in my last post.  particularly fearful of letting go of someone.  letting go = no love.  in my heart and head.

WHY and HOW in the fuck do you let go of someone?  what the fuck?  i do not let go and fucking pride myself on it.  remember that stupid poster “if you love something let it go…etc etc etc”?…   that never resonated with me anyway, mostly because i did not want to let anyone go….but, also because the whole point was to let go but then it says (or at least my poster said) “if it comes back it’s yours”….which is too possessive to have let go in the first place.  still attachment.  seems contrary.  i liked MUCH MORE the poster of the cute furry cat hanging in a tree!  do you all remember these?  or maybe the farrah fawcett one….except that one had no words of wisdom.

so.  here i am now.  on the other side.  apparently i DO have the courage to let go.  yay me.  i seriously did not think i had it in me.  it is still hard for me to believe.

i have been trepidatious…one teensy step at a time.  have not allowed myself to ruminate on it, really at all.  have just allowed it to happen.  well, not really allowed.  but definitely slowly accepting that it was happening.

i. let. go.  shocker.  so many issues i seem to still have.

and.  AND.  in my watershed moment……here’s what came to me.  (again, am sure you already got this.)  the person to whom i should have been clinging, was me.  i have a pretty high opinion of myself.  i love me, and am in love with me.  all day long!  but shockingly, my loyalty, of which i am SO proud, was not to me.  i’m fickle like that….insecurity layered with self confidence.  self loathing layered with a MUCH too healthy ego.  and so on and so forth.

ahhhhh…the psychobabble.

this “stay always and never walk away” bullshit has been my suit of armor.  EXCEPT i end up trapping both myself and the other person inside.  and obviously there’s just not enough room for two.  so, i would get out and leave your ass in there.  you know.  in the spirit of never letting go and all.  but, certainly that is not where you wanted to be.  and, that’s my spot, after all.  so.  you are trapped and i am displaced….and, that DOES.NOT.WORK.

well, nobody is trapped anymore.  and i’ve decided to put my suit of armor down.

it feels iffy out here.  i feel totally and completely exposed.  and i do not have anyone trapped by my side to turn to.  i am all alone.  surprisingly to me the visual that pops into my head is beautiful.  it’s of this vast soft wavy emerald colored field…kind of on top of a mountain.  that is seriously my visual.

detachment in relationships of any kind is not my strong suit (seriously no pun intended.  i despise puns.  they don’t suit).  so i’ll just have to see how this goes.

i feel vulnerable, but i’ve been looking for exactly that.

mostly i am feeling courageous and gratefully without fear.

i love this shit.

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