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for all my mommies…..

May 9, 2014

i’m ravenous

i’m insatiable

food is a big one for me.  HUGE.  food equates love….i am southern like that.  if you cook for me or cook with me…and holy mother of god if we  share our food…LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!!!!

shortly after i had my oldest son, i went back into therapy.  i could NOT figure out the sadness.  it was not post-partum.  i just KNEW it was not.  there was no weeping.  there was no anger.  there was NOTHING.  this nothing was guttural.  it was deep deep deep, in my bones, in my skin……in my surprisingly empty heart.

i’d JUST had my first child for god’s sake.  new home.  wonderful, loving, doting husband.  new city.  great job.

WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

i’ve dealt with depression my entire life.  i know depression well, and i definitely know my version of depression well.  this was not it.

after several sessions, my new therapist looked at me and let me in on the secret.  she explained that having a child of my own was triggering my longing for a mother of my own.

so very freudian.

but, so very on the mark.

i have spent my entire life thinking about this mother i never had.  well, i have a mother, obviously.  just a very absent one.  and, absent while she was with me, which sucks.  i mean, it’s not some tragic story…..she did not die, i was not left on the side of the road, or beaten daily.  she did send me away at some point.  (but, it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me).  ANYway, it absolutely could have been worse.  but the mark it left, or lack thereof, on my heart has been something i have never really gotten over.

so.  off i went back out into the world.  with this longing triggered AFUCKINGGAIN.

more than over it.  more than done with it.  REALLY?  (insert whiny voice) i am sooooo fucking broken because my mommy was not the mommy i wanted and therefore i could not even enjoy having a child of my own…..tired of this story.

so, i rewrote it.

and, I FOUND MY MOMMIES….

he bought me books for school, he held my hand when i had our children.  many a meal we have shared.

he ran with me, he nicknamed me.  and, he fed me.

she’s walked through life with me.  every step of the way.  she’s always shared everything with me.  including some dna.

they wrapped me in love and took me into their hearts & homes, when my own mother could not.  my aunts.  (not pronounced ant) and, yes, they fed me.

she has steadily been my friend through it all, by choice.  every transition.  every emotional outburst.  she feeds me almost every holiday.  we share.  so does he.

she gave me the softest place i’ve ever had to land.  she cooked for me on our first date.

she prepares a spreadsheet to cook so she can appropriately share with everyone.  she is never ending love.  the he with her is a deep love.  darknesses shared.  almost even better than food.

he was my best friend through my divorce and during my first relationship with a woman.  no judgement, ever.  just love.  and LOTS & LOTS of food.  and, he brought her to me….another mommy, by proxy.  and, holy cow, can she cook!  and is MOST excellent at sharing.  she even shares her mom with me.

she taught me to let my soul shine.

she suggested i use her toothbrush.  that was big.  she’s not so in to food.

she gave me a sprig of cotton.  she learned to share her food, she learned to share her everything with me.

he married in.  he is my go to when the shit hits the fan.  sound of mind. stable.  steady as he goes.  he always cooks for me.  he is passionate about sharing his food.

she reminded me recently to prepare for the summer, prepare to avoid my depression.  she dances with me.  she pays attention.  she feeds my heart.  she cooks for and with me.

she’s my people, as she would say.  she is even more masterful at sharing than me.

she is the best cook ever hands down.  her kitchen is her favorite restaurant, and mine too.  she cooks, she shares, she loves, she envelopes.

she’s new.  i showed her my ugly very quickly….it’s what i do.  a pretty crafty defense mechanism.  she was not phased.  she sat my ass down and told me the love was IN me and that it always had been and always would be.

this list could truly go on and on…..

FINALLY, and most importantly, she’s in the mirror.  finally finally finally.

i will always be hungry.  i know that about myself.  it is an ache.

but, one i have learned to mother.

i will spend this mother’s day being grateful,deep deep deep, in my bones, in my skin……in my incredibly FULL heart, for all of you who have fed my heart over the years.

and, i will also, finally, spend it being grateful for my own mother.  maybe nobody ever shared with her….  maybe she has never been fed….

oddly by not being one, she has led me to so many.

maybe it’s time for me to share with her.  wow.

happy happy mother’s day.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    May 9, 2014 2:55 pm

    You know you helped me as much or more than I helped you. I’m glad we bonded through all that, and I thank you for helping me heal to a level where I was available, worthy, and wise enough to catch my true love.

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