Skip to content

apologies nancy reagan….

July 23, 2014

i have a recurring fantasy of late.  don’t get excited.  it’s not sexy.

it involves me leaving my phone on my kitchen counter, and walking out the door.  purposefully left there, so when someone comes to look for me, they will be well aware that i am gone & to stop searching…..

i, like us all, am more than attached to my phone.  more like obsessed with staying connected to those i love.

but, right now i want to just go……

i want to run.

abscond.  (although i have not done anything nearly as exciting as being arrested)

desert.

call it a day.

say no to this life and start anew.

i have just met this version of me.  i am quite smitten with her.  this loner, this girl that craves an inordinate amount of alone time.  this aloof, emotionally unavailable girl.  (that’s my type, so i’ve been told by a dear friend)  (and, me being emotionally unavailable most likely just means i am now “normally” emotional available, as opposed to cut off)… after being single for so long and reading one too many articles about how you MUST fall in love with yourself before someone can fall in love with you…..it must have sunk in…because i have fallen in love me.  however, she’s not the me i thought she was.

fear, shame, guilt, heartbreak, betrayal, despondency…..a lot of my days of late have been packed to the brim with these emotions.  oddly, no depression.  i realize those words in some cases do add up to that….but not with me this time.  i am still getting out of bed.  i find myself craving the earth & lying in the grass and staring at the moon.  sitting in my back yard basking in the sun.  lying on my hall way floor with allman brothers blasting in my ears….over and over and over again.  (i know every single time gregg’s fingers whisp the hammond)  walking through the park when it is very very dark and i’ve not told anyone where i am or what i’m doing.  i have also done some self medicating.  boo!  too much wine.  it’s kind of scary to be here and not be depressed.  but, it’s also been stimulating and life changing.  i have been meditating for longer and longer.  losing myself in my writing.  i am actually processing all of these emotions…..  no more justifications for me!  just.  just….oh, how i adore that word.

i have spent my life building relationships with so many people because i love love.  i love intimacy.  and, i need all of these amazing people, so i can feel full and safe.  all i do is write about the relationships in my life.  they are incredible.  these people that circle the wagons, when i need them the most, or just need a companion, or just want to have a drink…..  i would say at least once a week, to quantify it, i am completely agog at the amount of love, and support, and commitment these people have for me.  but, right now….it’s just me, in this all by myself.  and,for once, i know i can do it.

over the past few months i have declined invitations from people that need to talk.  i have cut people off that i feel don’t “get” me, or do not serve me.  i have tough loved and i do not tough love.  (it feels condescending to me)  i have been to some degree an emotionally absent mother.  (hence my shame)  all odd behavior for me.  the universe has introduced me to a lovely woman.  in getting to know her, i only want to talk about her….and not share myself.  she, on the other hand, is emotionally available to me.  that’s a new choice for me.  i dropped my son off at the airport on saturday to head off on an amazing adventure.  want to know my advice for him while away ?  venture on, ramble on, find somewhere to live while you are there, and stay.  i told him they have high schools everywhere and that i would look forward to visiting.  projection, maybe?  selfishness, maybe?  not sure.  but, part of me really meant it.  (he, too, has had a rather traumatic year) (me, too) (us)

a therapist i once had (god, how many have there been???) used to talk about what she referred to as the emotional growth edge.  kind of like being on the side of a mountain, right at the edge….inching your way out there.  we never really discussed what happened once you got out there.  i’m assuming you jump.  parachute?  or, maybe, repel????

i have been resistant.  my heart is beating through my chest almost constantly these days.

but, i am finally out here.  right on the edge.  i decided in the wee hours this morning to go for it.

to just say YES.

yes, universe.  yes, life.  bring it.  i have felt and processed and then let go of all these negative emotions….and, for once, NOT been immobilized.  negative emotions are my bitch!  (well, maybe i’m their bitch at times) but still…..YES YES YES!  i might not do it perfectly.  but, I AM DOING IT!  walking right on through it, to the other side.

i mean…..i know it’s okay, intellectually, to feel all these things…..however, i have never allowed myself, nor wanted, to fully feel them.  i have always become stuck, i have always stopped dead in my tracks and unequivocally said “no”!

on this side of it now, i realize i CAN do this.  i can grow.  even when growth entails negative feelings. seems so simple, as always.  but, it is not simple when you’re “in it”!  (thank you, sam)  all that shit about detachment the world has taught me lately….has aided me in allowing these feelings to simply wash over me, through me, caused me to take pause….but NOT become attached to them.

it is an odd realization to me that i need to be open to what i view as negative emotions…..  but, from now on i will try to welcome them.  it can be painful and oh so scary.  but, it’s life….

so, try it if you’ve not….

just say yes.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: