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you rang?

January 16, 2014

SO…..when someone dies do you delete their number from your phone?

my ex, and now moved on, mother in law’s contact info pulled up on my phone yesterday.  i would say it’s been 8 years.  i actually do not even need her contact info because i still know her number by heart.  still.

i had a dear friend pass away several years ago….i left her number in my phone, as well.  a few months after she left us, i received both a call and a text from her.  her husband had transferred her number to their son, who is friends with my son….it was him trying to schedule a play date.  unfortunately, it was not her wanting to play with me!  surely a play date with a ghost, her ghost no less, would be incredibly interesting…..

what about a facebook page?  to delete, or not to delete?  facebook reminds me annually of said friends’ birthday.  i would remember it anyway, but still.  sometimes i hop on her page to look at the pics.  maybe it’s good memorializing.

so, was it a sign from my mother in law????    she and i were not on good terms when she moved on.  i had stayed with her son…too long?  or maybe not long enough?….still not sure what her take was on that.  anyway…i digress…it would have been nice to be able to call her, touch base, reconnect, clear the air…. even after all this time.  i’ve put it to bed, and lose no sleep over it.  but, still, she was one of my absolutely favorite people EVER….so, it makes me wonder if she was saying hello…  she is TOTALLEEEEEEEE one of those peeps that would contact you from beyond….

for now, i am decidedly keeping their contact information.  NOT deleting.

they say (you know, the people that speak to spirits and stuff…) that it is incredibly hard for those from beyond to make contact with us.  apparently it takes quite a bit of finagling on a spirit’s part….

so, rest assured (pun intended) if you are currently in my contacts and you are asked to leave this world….i am just making it one step easier for you to get in touch after you’re gone….

reaching a bit, you think??????……reaching for my phone….

watcha’ think??????

feeling bubbly?????

December 6, 2013

“you’ve got to find people that love like you do”

that makes me feel all bubbly inside….

today i kick off my party season.  an annual date with a favorite girl….a sexy dress with my winter boots ignoring that it is spring weather outside….boocoos (how do you spell boocoos?) of champagne with many of my other favorite girls….good music….

and, i ,for one, am not feeling bubbly lately.  honestly do not even feel like being social, which is more than odd for me……everyone (no clue who everyone is) says this time of year can be SO hard.  especially if hard times are transpiring.

but, this morning, i’ve decided!!!!, it IS going to make me appreciate this time of year even more.  i have so many opportunities over the next month to turn off my anxiety, worry, stress….kick up my heels and be surrounded by SO many that i adore.

the love runs heavy….it runs true blue…it runs strong through my fantastic tribe with which i am surrounded.  i am more MORE MORE than fortunate to have these people in my circle…and am more than grateful on a daily basis for them.  i also have 3 little munchkins (well,not so little) that love SO big and SO hard.  it’s AH.MA.ZING.

by the time i crawl into my bed every evening….i have had more than several “aha” (thank you, oprah) moments of: “wow, these people love like i do!”…the homemade dinners, the bottles of wine on the doorstep, the cups of coffee shared, the time spent….endless time spent…..the dinners out, the hugs, the love, the TOUGH love, the daily phone call just to “hear your voice”….my kid telling me he (yes, he) that he feels comfortable sharing his feelings with me, telling me he loves me daily, still calling me “mommy”, crawling into bed with me to snuggle and share (even though they are teen agers:))

it truly does amaze me….everyone so sincere.  people truly going out of their way, making contact…REAL contact, showing love in such big ways.  these beautiful people, including my kids…..they all have their own lives, their own worry, their own never ending schedules that pull them in every direction….BUT, still, here they are, standing right behind me every time i turn around!!!   my cute little cousin (who is my fave tribe member:)) came to stay…..she, too,  was blown away by my circle of love.

everyone (there they are again) says it is a time of year to count your blessings.  that saying, for some reason, has always annoyed me….i mean, seriously, WHO exactly do you think you are, and who exactly is blessing YOU????  well, i accept it….i am blessed!

if you are feeling low, lonely or just plain O.V.E.R it….try counting your blessings.  i, seriously, have always found this so trite.  but, i have tried it lately and found that it causes me to be present and more importantly, i think, causes me to be presently grateful….which just keeps manifesting positive experiences……so, just try it!

i am going to take these next few weeks to continue counting my blessings, as trite as that may sound.  it will keep me focused on the positive, which will keep my negative in check.

i have MORE than your average share of blessings.  MORE than you average share of love.  MORE than your average share of support.

which, in turn, has manifested in me MORE than you average amount of faith and MORE than your average amount of gratitude….

these fantastic people that love like i do….THEY have shown me the way….

bubbly, anyone?

ummmm….i’ll drink to that!

it’s getting darker….

November 13, 2013

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. —Pema Chödrön

stole this quote from my old (as in went to her a while ago, she is not old) therapist’s facebook page this morning….resonated, to say the least.  as do most things she says/posts/surmises/suggests…..

hmmmmm….

i was told yesterday that i have a hole inside me that cannot be filled.

it’s frightening enough when you catch a glimpse of your own darkness….but, when someone else points it out….YIKES!

the dagney abyss, i guess….i know it’s there…

when i peer down in there it seems bright and shiny, though, not dark…to me.  but, a hole, yes.  i jump down in there and walk around a LOT.  some crevices  ARE dark and haunting….but,  for the most part i  have become comfortable with my darkness.  i realize what my darkness is and am okay with the fact that i have what seems an insatiable need for contact with others….basically, for love.  (psychobabble ensues:  i am well aware this could have the possibility to be…and, at times, has been unhealthy.)   if you know me and/or have any kind of relationship with me whatsoever, we have most definitely been spelunking together, either in my abyss or yours……   idea: could i charge for tours?  that’s some serious narcissism right there!

right now i am soldiering on through one of the most challenging times of my life……i am being trusted and, in turn, shown the darkness in someone i love dearly……their abyss.  so, in reality it is about them…but, in this blog, as is obvious, it is about me:).  and although fear has tempted to rear its gruesome intruding head at times causing me to want to fix or save or get angry…i KNOW my job right now is merely to lend some aid….a flashlight? a head lamp, maybe?….ahhhhhhh, yes, a candle….much better.

if i were to act from a place of fear….i know i would be no help at all.  although, i have been scared.  but these days when i feel fear i try…”TRY” (read: not always successful) to move into a place of compassion, instead.  compassion, to me and in this instance, is about acceptance and lending a hand….allowing one to explore and navigate their own darkness….without judgement  from or control by me.

i used to think i was afraid to be alone because “everyone” “says” “oh, you’re afraid to be alone” to “everyone” that IS alone and sad or uncomfortable about it.  but, my therapist (same one) pointed out to me once that i spent the majority of my childhood alone & she could not imagine i was “scared” to be alone….she suggested that maybe i just do not particularly want to be, because i have already spent so much time in my life alone.  i tend to agree with that spin on my darkness.  oh, and thank YOU, (therapist’s name), for the candle.

the darkness i am witnessing right now……can be inky & BLACK.  and scary.  and yucky.  and, lonely.  when someone shows you their darkness, it can be frightening….but, i would be willing to bet, some of that fear is fear of your own darkness.  at least, i know that holds true for me.

a friend suggested to me this morning, after i related to her how put upon i was feeling due to this current challenge in my life….”dagney, maybe this is happening FOR you and not TO you”….i adore my wise friends, who are also in touch with and managing their own darkness, as well as doling out tough love.  another candle to light my way…..

as i said, i have become relatively friendly with my darkness.  i have studied it a lot, talked about it a lot & dealt with it a lot.  and am clearly still trying to work some of it out by writing  here.  it is true darkness, and it is MY darkness, which i doubt will every completely abate.  it can and still does spook me, at times.  and, if you are in my life you are certain to be subjected to it…apologies!  BUT……guess what i find when i do jump down in the dagney abyss???!!!…..an inordinate amount of love and support.  i am replacing (filling up) some of my darkness with something healthy and positive.  love.  i have all kinds of amazing sources of love (i.e. people trapped down in said abyss) in my life….(“it puts the lotion on its skin!”)  SO.  when i grow weary of walking this path alone, or get spooked by something that reminds me of my own darkness….i try to remind myself that due to a lot of hard work, i now have more reasons to feel empowered & grateful, as opposed to feeling scared.

and, i try to have compassion for myself.

TRY it.

it’s actually getting brighter…….

love for one, please

November 8, 2013

how do you ask for love?  or do you even….????

“children will sometimes ask for love in the most unloving way”

that one stayed with me for a bit….

i think it holds true for us all. but there is no right or wrong way to ask or to show love, right??????!!!!!

simply, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

i dated a fabulous woman for a short time, and we laid in bed one night and took the love languages test online.  it’s a great book & concept….and i was MORE than excited she was interested in taking the test.  you answer a slew of questions and it tells you how you like to be shown love.  in turn, teaching you how to ask for the love you want.  it really is a great concept and conversation starter for friends, parents and children, couples….for anyone.

for me, not surprisingly, and by a LONG shot…….the #1 way i want to be shown love is “quality time”.  i want to spend time with you to show you that i love you and i want you to spend time with me.  LOTS of time.  endless time….not just an hour for a drink, not just for dinner, not just for the afternoon….i want to linger….i want to stay….until the good stuff comes out.  until we inevitably end up in an incredibly intimate space discussing just that — how we love and how we want to be loved.  i believe everyone wants love.  and, the beauty to me is….IF you sit/stay/linger/create a black hole with someone long enough….you can love them UP (phrase stolen from someone who spends an inordinate amount of time with me loving me up:)) & in turn you will also be filled with immeasurable love.  i know this is no new concept….it is just truly remarkable to me how this can and actually DOES  happen…yet, how infrequently some people seem to do it.

i am a more than a firm believe that when you spend enough time with someone, love is simply created….eventually even the ugly comes out.  OR what they THINK is the ugly comes out.  THEN>>>>NO reaction, MORE staying, let’s discuss deeper….intimacy created, bond made, trust developed, love is shared and magical energy and connections are created.  it’s just LOVE…..it’s what makes the world go round.  or at the very least, what makes my world go round.

i sat with my 17 year old yesterday for hours (yes, truancy…in fact, supported truancy)…through lunch and after and then still some more…..we shared fantasies (mostly just expounding on the fantasy we share of living in France and going to see music every night with a lovely french girlfriend who speaks no english…it gets interesting when you share that kind of fantasy with your 17 year old son:))  he told me about the family and wife he wants one day (love), as we walked after lunch he expressed both his fascination and joy at being out of school and out in the world in the middle of a random day when “everyone” else is “somewhere” – i (love) that feeling, too…we talked about fear, we discussed our sadness over (love), we spoke endlessly about the funk band we’d been to see and (loved) the night before.  he said to me “today is so colorful, as opposed to those days when everything is just black and white”…i, of course, felt the same and attributed it to the intense (love) being shared.  i shared some of my ugly with him.  i discussed the (love) languages with him throughout the day.  haven’t taken the test together…but we will.

at one point he commented on how much love he feels from different people and how good that feels.  he also commented on the many relationships in my life and how so many people show me so much love….he recognized that that spills over on to him & our family.  love by proxy.  he mused about how sad & disappointing it must be for someone who has never or does not feel love…..i wondered aloud to him that maybe some people just do not know how to ask for the love the want or need.  i then followed up with the fact the i believe we each need to figure out specifically how the people we love want to be loved…so they know and feel it!….A LOT!  he laughed at me at one point because he thinks i think feeding people shows love.  i guess so….i feel like all i do is feed my kids:) or am talking about it.  and, if i love you i want to feed you, or you feed me, or we share a meal together….love all around.

i think it would be absolutely fabulous (a great show about love by the way) if we all just put in our order:

love for one, please.  over easy, well done, with extra on the side, and keep it coming….

shall we?

August 29, 2013

i love to share. L UH uh uh uh UVVVVVV it! always want to.

and, if you don’t want to….it annoys the fucking crap out of me!

it was interesting looking up the word. (see definition below) i in NO way relate to having my fair share. it is not about fairness for me….and, plowshare?????…ummmmm ugh! while contemplating my love of sharing i realized that it does not stem from my childhood, as i am an only only only child….VERY only. my mom was rarely around teaching me social skills…much less encouraging me to share…

however, i in no way shape or form want to split anything.  to me there is a distinct difference between everyone throwing their cards or cash in at the end of the meal and sharing the balance…as opposed to divvying up what each person had and splitting the tab.  i was discussing this with friends the other evening and someone mentioned the tactic of “eating defensively”….brilliant!  for those of you worried about paying more than your fair share do NOT order soup & a beer when everyone else is noshing on filet and guzzling martinis…and, if it’s just the 2 of us…i’ll pay today, you pay tomorrow.  much more convivial!!!  bear,or more apt in my case BARE, in mind:  i hardly have 2 pennies to rub together, so i should not be out being convivial PERIOD!

i relate to share as a verb. i want to share with my kiddos, my friends, my partners, strangers….anyone…..

(but, read to the end…..WTF happened before 1590????????)

i knew my oldest and dearest friend would be my oldest and dearest when i ran into her bathroom to brush my teeth one afternoon eons ago after baby play group, so my then husband would not smell the copious amounts of wine she and i had shared when he picked me up….

she said “just use mine” when i asked if she had a spare toothbrush. yep, i used it. i have a million times since then.  and, she is most definitely my oldest and dearest!  (she is also my girlfriend that whenever you are on her large roomy sofa sharing wine, she sits and immediately scooches over right next to you and snuggles her feet under your legs….personal space: shared!  intimacy: established!)

my ex ex (there are a few, hence the reason i’m sitting here writing about sharing instead of actually out doing it)…she would share ANYTHING with me. truly anything…and, on top of it, if we were out dining she would not only share her food…she would make me the perfect bite of HER meal and share it with me on HER fork.  sharing a meal is one of my all time favorite things.

i brought that custom into my last relationship and she, as she is wont to do, refined the skill and became the master of both ‘the sharing of’ and ‘the making of’ the perfect bite. however, i am betting if she read each definition of share that ‘plowshare’ would resonate most with her, in regard to me…

anyway, the last time she and i shared a cheeseburger…she ordered it (she thanked but NOthanked the waitress for the extra plate as she knows i even want to share the plate), she rearranged every bit of the burger after it arrived (she can arrange the pickles on a cheeseburger more perfectly than anyone), she took the first bite, as that is NEVER the best, and then handed me the entire burger, and pointed out the best bite so i could have it. there will be NO cutting the burger in half. DUH! we are SHARING. we had long since ended things when we shared said burger…but, for me it was about still having “our” closeness. sidebar: on one of our first dates, i forced her to share, by reaching over and eating off her plate….later she told me she was shocked with my horrible manners. now, now, now…..just look at her sharing!

sharing food, sharing personal space, sharing my bed (with my kiddo, friend, or lover), sharing a toothbrush, sharing your deepest fears, sharing your real self….it obviously creates amazing intimacy. i hop in the bed with my cousin and her husband each morning when i visit. i want to order sharable meals with you when we go out to eat…share and share alike. in this age of mixology & fru fru drinks…if i am sitting at the bar and someone (stranger or not) asks me what i’m drinking…i describe my cocktail and then offer them a sip. it is MORE than interesting the reactions i receive. but whether the sip is accepted or not…i feel it ALWAYS leads to a much more intimate exchange than we would have had.

a few weeks ago and friend and i were pondering detachment, living in the now, realizing your thoughts are separate from your person. i wondered aloud to her if my love i.e. obsession with sharing was an attachment issue?????!!!!… she told me, which i already knew and have always been incredibly interested in about her, how she loves to have secrets. (not a gambling addiction or the 47 cats she is hoarding)…more along the lines of some secret retreat time by the river or an excursion she enjoys alone and relates to no one.  i filled her in on a secret i’d recently decided to keep.  i’d told no one this secret, nor have i since.  this secret was not a huge deal…i just spontaneously decided to keep something to myself. i liked it. i still like it. i have NEVER NOT shared anything with at least one other person. i am an emotional slut, OBVIOUSLY!, and more than guilty of oversharing…but, for the first time i am experiencing the healthy, fun, and sometimes exciting aspects of keeping some things just for myself. right!  i know…you all already know this…but, it’s a new concept for me!

do you share? can i eat off your plate? would you offer your toothbrush to your bestie?  let’s curl up together and discuss……

1share

noun \ˈsher\

Definition of SHARE

Origin of SHARE

Middle English schare, from Old English scear; akin to Old High German scaro plowshare, Old English scieran to cut — more at shear

First Known Use: before 12th century

Other Agriculture/Gardening Terms

2share

noun

Definition of SHARE

1
a : a portion belonging to, due to, or contributed by an individual or group

b : one’s full or fair portion <has had his share of bad luck>

2
a : the part allotted or belonging to one of a number owning together property or interest

b : any of the equal portions into which property or invested capital is divided; specifically : any of the equal interests or rights into which the entire stock of a corporation is divided and ownership of which is regularly evidenced by one or more certificates

c plural chiefly British : stock 7c(1)

Origin of SHARE

Middle English, from Old English scearu cutting, tonsure; akin to Old English scieran to cut

First Known Use: 14th century

3share

verb

sharedshar·ing

Definition of SHARE

transitive verb
1
: to divide and distribute in shares : apportion —usually used with out <shared out the land among his heirs>
2
a : to partake of, use, experience, occupy, or enjoy with others

b : to have in common <they share a passion for opera>

3
: to grant or give a share in —often used with with <sharedthe last of her water with us>
4
: to tell (as thoughts, feelings, or experiences) to others —often used with with
intransitive verb
1
: to have a share —used with in <we all shared in the fruits of our labor>
2
: to apportion and take shares of something
3
: to talk about one’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences with others
shar·er noun

Examples of SHARE

  1. They shared the last cookie.
  2. We shared the money equally.
  3. The children need to learn to share their toys.

First Known Use of SHARE

1590

little? or, big?

August 27, 2013

in my online dating experience i have seen several profiles where people proclaim what size spoon they want to be in their sought after relationship.  i wonder if this proclamation mostly happens with same sex dating?????  does this spill over into dominant and submissive roles….both in and out of the bedroom?  is it merely a cuddling preference?

i want to be the little spoon.

i had a fantastic 2nd date last night…she is quirky and quiet and intelligent and super sexy with her black cat glasses….

sigh.  she is a little spoon.  both in stature and personality.  i am not even on the fence about being the big spoon….just isn’t going to happen!

my ex posted on FB the other day that she could not be the little spoon.  she would probably say that i “say” i want to be the little spoon….but, aside from cuddling, that i demand to be the big spoon.

all of my little spoons nested so sweetly in my silverware drawer.  i have more spoons than any other utensil.  probably twice as many….  yet, i run out of spoons most frequently in my kitchen….always plucking dirty ones from the dishwasher before it’s even been run…

i do have a favorite spoon.  it’s a lovely Lunt William & Mary sterling silver spoon that was given to me when i got married to a man 800 years ago….a soup spoon at that.  i hide it from everyone and use it when the boys are gone, when i’m not in a rush and i actually remember it’s there just waiting on me…

do you spoon?  which spoon are you?

what’s up with the knives and forks?

what do you fight for?

August 22, 2013

what do you fight for?

i tend to wallow and sometimes, not proudly,  give up… (yes, deep seeded issues…I KNOW!)

friends.  i have many many – amazing, over the top, fantastic, intimate, life long, month long, tried and true, stuck like glue, spill your deep dark secrets, you took me to my divorce proceedings, we’ve shared gazillions of glasses of champagne, our kids went to pre-school together, we speak every single solitary morning at 7:45a.m. – friendships. they are my specialty. they are my other OTHER other full time job. they sustain me and fill me up.

every single itty bitty thing about friendships interests me to no end….

SO. i have a friend with whom i have drifted apart several times. it happens.  just life.  no one’s fault, no blame.  however, this friend and i always circle back around and manage to find one another again. we have the same kind of soul. we have the same bleeding heart. that we both wear, quite proudly, on our sleeves. i have tried manipulating her into wearing mine for me, but she has yet to fall for that…

anyway, a month or two ago i was speaking with her and really kind of lost it. i believe it was the culmination of my depressive funk from the summer. it was the kind of losing it that is accompanied by that disgusting snotty crying that you keep trying to talk through and it’s basically impossible for anyone to understand you. doesn’t happen for years, and then the waterfall begins…. she talked me off the ledge, told me not to be hard on myself, to give myself a break. reassured me that my continuing to come back to this place was simply because i was fearless in dealing with my issues as opposed to just being bat shit crazy and not getting it.  all the wonderfully loving fabulous supportive things she always says to me. as a friend should.

then we had to hang up and resume our adult lives (well, she was still an adult but i had clearly plummeted into some infantile state) IMMEDIATELY, as they are wont to do, my demons creeped in…ugh! i over shared, i really lost it, i’m an idiot, i’m too emotional, i’m so immature, i cannot handle anything…

AND THEN….radio silence. i knew she was out of town. i knew she was out of town on business. i knew i knew i knew. i know she cares. i know she loves me. i knew all was okay. uh…clearly, i did not know…  baffling to me, how insecure i can still be.  when will i become comfortable with vulnerability, specifically mine???  SO, my demons stayed. or, i allowed them to stay. IN FACT, i invited them to stay. i fed them. i nurtured them. i tucked them in right beside me every single night. i even served them wine…in my rooster glasses, to boot. you see, we always check in…almost daily. especially after a phone call like that. mostly via text…how are you? feeling any better? you really are psychotic, but i still love you…SO, clearly no word meant there was an issue with my sanity.

SO, I had this epiphany. (well, i thought i had this epiphany)….i clearly unloaded too much, hence the reason for her seeming silence and, TO ME, a lack of follow up. BUT, i am going to be mature, not make too much out of it and carry on in our friendship as always. as we are FAR FAR FAR too close for me to misconstrue this and let something divide us again. head up high, faith in humanity, devotion to her and our friendship, evolved woman that i am.

unbeknownst to my conscience here’s what i really did: put up a wall, put up my guard, convinced myself that she does not really REALLY want to hear my shit, i will not share with her on that level EVER again…..but, i will maintain our friendship, just on a less intimate level as that is clearly all SHE can handle.  because, i AFTER ALL am the friend extraordinaire and this is certainly her issue and not mine! ego, anybody? cuz i don’t have one, that’s for sure!

she, of course, checked in on me as soon as she could….  and, what did i do?  i stuck to my evolved mature plan…

she asked me a couple of times over the next few weeks….all ok? oh, yeah, all is fine. everything ok with us? oh, yeah, everything ok. you sure? yep, SURE as sure can be. (i believe i even threw in a couple of “i’d tell you if not”s) then would quickly gloss over her inquiries about me, to asking about her…because i was the one who could handle it, remember!?!?

a few weeks later we met for a drink to discuss some world issue….NOT. to deeply methodically ad nauseum discuss something one of us was dealing with about something of the utmost importance, i am certain. it’s what we do. it’s why i adore her. and, this dear friend of mine…who i was not only pushing away and acting like i was not, who had been seeking me out for several weeks despite my evasiveness….somewhere during that conversation she turned to me and randomly interjected “i’ve felt something shift between us and it was reminiscent of when things have shifted between us in the past”…she then told me as she always does, how vitally important our friendship is to her and how precious i am to her….and THEN she posed this question, she leaned in…stared intently at me and asked “have i not fought hard enough for you and our friendship?”

ahhhh…the tipping point. i waived the question away at the moment and went on with our discussion…

my REAL answer, until now, unspoken: yes, dear friend, you have fought hard enough. you just did. simply by asking that question. simply by staying true while i wallowed. simply by persisting.  simply by dropping off sandwiches for my demons instead of judging me. and, thank YOU. from the deep deep recesses of my heart.  for fighting for our friendship, fighting for me…and, in turn, showing me how important it is to fight for what you love.  had she not been willing to be vulnerable enough to ask that question, i am not certain i would have ever realized that i was not only NOT fighting, but was giving up on her.

what a fabulous example of being THE friend extraordinaire…while i merely wallowed away in whatever cess pool of insecurity i created. unconsciously judging her, holding her accountable to some crappy score sheet i created based on MY ego. way to be a good friend, dagalicious.

SO, as i lean in….again, what do you fight for?

fuck wallowing.

i am going to fight harder to practice what i preach.

i am going to fight harder to be okay with being vulnerable.

i am going to fight harder to give those i love more credit, instead of allowing my ego to rule!

i am going to fight harder when i feel someone drifting away.

i am going to fight harder to get to the front row of my favorite show….ummmmm….

FIGHT FOR THINGS.

i will from now on.