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surprised!

March 20, 2015

surprised by my heart

surprised that i love you like this

surprised by my favortism

surprised at my desire to please

surprised at my need and intent to do well

surprised at the intimacy

surprised by the fear that rocks me to my core

surprised by how desperate i am to carry your pain

surprised at the swelling of joy, breathtaking, whenever i lay eyes on you

surprised at the unbearable pain when you experience pain

surprised at the volatility and anger when i  disappoint you

surprised at my gut instinct that’s instincted by you

surprised at the power i wield

surprised at the influence i carry and shed

surprised by the emotion i receive from you

surprised at the pain i can inflict

surprised by how overcome with even more love i am today after just yesterday thinking holy fucking shit how MUCH i love you

surprised how shocked i am when you are different from me, still

even more surprised when i see myself in you

surprised by how engulfed and without perspective i can be day to day regarding you

surprised at the overwhelming exhaustion at the thought of responsibility for you

surprised surprised surprised

after all these years, how soul shaking

unbelievably……three times over

how achingly astoundingly beautiful

how tear jerking

just completely and utterly surprised at my capacity to love you like this……

apologies nancy reagan….

July 23, 2014

i have a recurring fantasy of late.  don’t get excited.  it’s not sexy.

it involves me leaving my phone on my kitchen counter, and walking out the door.  purposefully left there, so when someone comes to look for me, they will be well aware that i am gone & to stop searching…..

i, like us all, am more than attached to my phone.  more like obsessed with staying connected to those i love.

but, right now i want to just go……

i want to run.

abscond.  (although i have not done anything nearly as exciting as being arrested)

desert.

call it a day.

say no to this life and start anew.

i have just met this version of me.  i am quite smitten with her.  this loner, this girl that craves an inordinate amount of alone time.  this aloof, emotionally unavailable girl.  (that’s my type, so i’ve been told by a dear friend)  (and, me being emotionally unavailable most likely just means i am now “normally” emotional available, as opposed to cut off)… after being single for so long and reading one too many articles about how you MUST fall in love with yourself before someone can fall in love with you…..it must have sunk in…because i have fallen in love me.  however, she’s not the me i thought she was.

fear, shame, guilt, heartbreak, betrayal, despondency…..a lot of my days of late have been packed to the brim with these emotions.  oddly, no depression.  i realize those words in some cases do add up to that….but not with me this time.  i am still getting out of bed.  i find myself craving the earth & lying in the grass and staring at the moon.  sitting in my back yard basking in the sun.  lying on my hall way floor with allman brothers blasting in my ears….over and over and over again.  (i know every single time gregg’s fingers whisp the hammond)  walking through the park when it is very very dark and i’ve not told anyone where i am or what i’m doing.  i have also done some self medicating.  boo!  too much wine.  it’s kind of scary to be here and not be depressed.  but, it’s also been stimulating and life changing.  i have been meditating for longer and longer.  losing myself in my writing.  i am actually processing all of these emotions…..  no more justifications for me!  just.  just….oh, how i adore that word.

i have spent my life building relationships with so many people because i love love.  i love intimacy.  and, i need all of these amazing people, so i can feel full and safe.  all i do is write about the relationships in my life.  they are incredible.  these people that circle the wagons, when i need them the most, or just need a companion, or just want to have a drink…..  i would say at least once a week, to quantify it, i am completely agog at the amount of love, and support, and commitment these people have for me.  but, right now….it’s just me, in this all by myself.  and,for once, i know i can do it.

over the past few months i have declined invitations from people that need to talk.  i have cut people off that i feel don’t “get” me, or do not serve me.  i have tough loved and i do not tough love.  (it feels condescending to me)  i have been to some degree an emotionally absent mother.  (hence my shame)  all odd behavior for me.  the universe has introduced me to a lovely woman.  in getting to know her, i only want to talk about her….and not share myself.  she, on the other hand, is emotionally available to me.  that’s a new choice for me.  i dropped my son off at the airport on saturday to head off on an amazing adventure.  want to know my advice for him while away ?  venture on, ramble on, find somewhere to live while you are there, and stay.  i told him they have high schools everywhere and that i would look forward to visiting.  projection, maybe?  selfishness, maybe?  not sure.  but, part of me really meant it.  (he, too, has had a rather traumatic year) (me, too) (us)

a therapist i once had (god, how many have there been???) used to talk about what she referred to as the emotional growth edge.  kind of like being on the side of a mountain, right at the edge….inching your way out there.  we never really discussed what happened once you got out there.  i’m assuming you jump.  parachute?  or, maybe, repel????

i have been resistant.  my heart is beating through my chest almost constantly these days.

but, i am finally out here.  right on the edge.  i decided in the wee hours this morning to go for it.

to just say YES.

yes, universe.  yes, life.  bring it.  i have felt and processed and then let go of all these negative emotions….and, for once, NOT been immobilized.  negative emotions are my bitch!  (well, maybe i’m their bitch at times) but still…..YES YES YES!  i might not do it perfectly.  but, I AM DOING IT!  walking right on through it, to the other side.

i mean…..i know it’s okay, intellectually, to feel all these things…..however, i have never allowed myself, nor wanted, to fully feel them.  i have always become stuck, i have always stopped dead in my tracks and unequivocally said “no”!

on this side of it now, i realize i CAN do this.  i can grow.  even when growth entails negative feelings. seems so simple, as always.  but, it is not simple when you’re “in it”!  (thank you, sam)  all that shit about detachment the world has taught me lately….has aided me in allowing these feelings to simply wash over me, through me, caused me to take pause….but NOT become attached to them.

it is an odd realization to me that i need to be open to what i view as negative emotions…..  but, from now on i will try to welcome them.  it can be painful and oh so scary.  but, it’s life….

so, try it if you’ve not….

just say yes.

for all my mommies…..

May 9, 2014

i’m ravenous

i’m insatiable

food is a big one for me.  HUGE.  food equates love….i am southern like that.  if you cook for me or cook with me…and holy mother of god if we  share our food…LOVED LOVED LOVED!!!!!!

shortly after i had my oldest son, i went back into therapy.  i could NOT figure out the sadness.  it was not post-partum.  i just KNEW it was not.  there was no weeping.  there was no anger.  there was NOTHING.  this nothing was guttural.  it was deep deep deep, in my bones, in my skin……in my surprisingly empty heart.

i’d JUST had my first child for god’s sake.  new home.  wonderful, loving, doting husband.  new city.  great job.

WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

i’ve dealt with depression my entire life.  i know depression well, and i definitely know my version of depression well.  this was not it.

after several sessions, my new therapist looked at me and let me in on the secret.  she explained that having a child of my own was triggering my longing for a mother of my own.

so very freudian.

but, so very on the mark.

i have spent my entire life thinking about this mother i never had.  well, i have a mother, obviously.  just a very absent one.  and, absent while she was with me, which sucks.  i mean, it’s not some tragic story…..she did not die, i was not left on the side of the road, or beaten daily.  she did send me away at some point.  (but, it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me).  ANYway, it absolutely could have been worse.  but the mark it left, or lack thereof, on my heart has been something i have never really gotten over.

so.  off i went back out into the world.  with this longing triggered AFUCKINGGAIN.

more than over it.  more than done with it.  REALLY?  (insert whiny voice) i am sooooo fucking broken because my mommy was not the mommy i wanted and therefore i could not even enjoy having a child of my own…..tired of this story.

so, i rewrote it.

and, I FOUND MY MOMMIES….

he bought me books for school, he held my hand when i had our children.  many a meal we have shared.

he ran with me, he nicknamed me.  and, he fed me.

she’s walked through life with me.  every step of the way.  she’s always shared everything with me.  including some dna.

they wrapped me in love and took me into their hearts & homes, when my own mother could not.  my aunts.  (not pronounced ant) and, yes, they fed me.

she has steadily been my friend through it all, by choice.  every transition.  every emotional outburst.  she feeds me almost every holiday.  we share.  so does he.

she gave me the softest place i’ve ever had to land.  she cooked for me on our first date.

she prepares a spreadsheet to cook so she can appropriately share with everyone.  she is never ending love.  the he with her is a deep love.  darknesses shared.  almost even better than food.

he was my best friend through my divorce and during my first relationship with a woman.  no judgement, ever.  just love.  and LOTS & LOTS of food.  and, he brought her to me….another mommy, by proxy.  and, holy cow, can she cook!  and is MOST excellent at sharing.  she even shares her mom with me.

she taught me to let my soul shine.

she suggested i use her toothbrush.  that was big.  she’s not so in to food.

she gave me a sprig of cotton.  she learned to share her food, she learned to share her everything with me.

he married in.  he is my go to when the shit hits the fan.  sound of mind. stable.  steady as he goes.  he always cooks for me.  he is passionate about sharing his food.

she reminded me recently to prepare for the summer, prepare to avoid my depression.  she dances with me.  she pays attention.  she feeds my heart.  she cooks for and with me.

she’s my people, as she would say.  she is even more masterful at sharing than me.

she is the best cook ever hands down.  her kitchen is her favorite restaurant, and mine too.  she cooks, she shares, she loves, she envelopes.

she’s new.  i showed her my ugly very quickly….it’s what i do.  a pretty crafty defense mechanism.  she was not phased.  she sat my ass down and told me the love was IN me and that it always had been and always would be.

this list could truly go on and on…..

FINALLY, and most importantly, she’s in the mirror.  finally finally finally.

i will always be hungry.  i know that about myself.  it is an ache.

but, one i have learned to mother.

i will spend this mother’s day being grateful,deep deep deep, in my bones, in my skin……in my incredibly FULL heart, for all of you who have fed my heart over the years.

and, i will also, finally, spend it being grateful for my own mother.  maybe nobody ever shared with her….  maybe she has never been fed….

oddly by not being one, she has led me to so many.

maybe it’s time for me to share with her.  wow.

happy happy mother’s day.

suit of armor

March 13, 2014

i’ve been receiving many messages about courage of late.  wanted to know exact definition

cour·age
ˈkərij,ˈkə-rij/
noun
  1. 1.
    the ability to do something that frightens one.
    “she called on all her courage to face the ordeal”

duh! fear.  i have been afraid lately.  afraid of letting go, as i mentioned in my last post.  particularly fearful of letting go of someone.  letting go = no love.  in my heart and head.

WHY and HOW in the fuck do you let go of someone?  what the fuck?  i do not let go and fucking pride myself on it.  remember that stupid poster “if you love something let it go…etc etc etc”?…   that never resonated with me anyway, mostly because i did not want to let anyone go….but, also because the whole point was to let go but then it says (or at least my poster said) “if it comes back it’s yours”….which is too possessive to have let go in the first place.  still attachment.  seems contrary.  i liked MUCH MORE the poster of the cute furry cat hanging in a tree!  do you all remember these?  or maybe the farrah fawcett one….except that one had no words of wisdom.

so.  here i am now.  on the other side.  apparently i DO have the courage to let go.  yay me.  i seriously did not think i had it in me.  it is still hard for me to believe.

i have been trepidatious…one teensy step at a time.  have not allowed myself to ruminate on it, really at all.  have just allowed it to happen.  well, not really allowed.  but definitely slowly accepting that it was happening.

i. let. go.  shocker.  so many issues i seem to still have.

and.  AND.  in my watershed moment……here’s what came to me.  (again, am sure you already got this.)  the person to whom i should have been clinging, was me.  i have a pretty high opinion of myself.  i love me, and am in love with me.  all day long!  but shockingly, my loyalty, of which i am SO proud, was not to me.  i’m fickle like that….insecurity layered with self confidence.  self loathing layered with a MUCH too healthy ego.  and so on and so forth.

ahhhhh…the psychobabble.

this “stay always and never walk away” bullshit has been my suit of armor.  EXCEPT i end up trapping both myself and the other person inside.  and obviously there’s just not enough room for two.  so, i would get out and leave your ass in there.  you know.  in the spirit of never letting go and all.  but, certainly that is not where you wanted to be.  and, that’s my spot, after all.  so.  you are trapped and i am displaced….and, that DOES.NOT.WORK.

well, nobody is trapped anymore.  and i’ve decided to put my suit of armor down.

it feels iffy out here.  i feel totally and completely exposed.  and i do not have anyone trapped by my side to turn to.  i am all alone.  surprisingly to me the visual that pops into my head is beautiful.  it’s of this vast soft wavy emerald colored field…kind of on top of a mountain.  that is seriously my visual.

detachment in relationships of any kind is not my strong suit (seriously no pun intended.  i despise puns.  they don’t suit).  so i’ll just have to see how this goes.

i feel vulnerable, but i’ve been looking for exactly that.

mostly i am feeling courageous and gratefully without fear.

i love this shit.

what am i missing???……

February 24, 2014

we sat at lunch today and he (my big boy) told me he’d begun listening to college lectures he’d downloaded from UC Berkeley.  He said “it’s  interesting how everything is connected”…..

i distinctly remember that moment when i was about his age that it dawned on me that EVERYTHING is connected.

it blew me away that he is there just now.  just alloffasudden……damn!  i miss that quiet tiny swaddled scrawny mr magoo look alike he once was.

i saw one of my oldest and best friends for the first time in a loooooooonnng time yesterday.  her daughter was there.  she’s his (his = above) age.  they were friends waaaaaaay back then, as well.  i was seriously pierced with longing for her little girliness.  i felt an ache for a little girl of my own.  (first time for everything.)  she made small talk with me.  while dreamy and polite and lovely and kind…..it irritated me a bit.  i wanted her running around on the playground after preschool…..

my ex husband apologized to me twice this past week.  TWICE.  TWO heartfelt genuine “i’m sorry’s”….  we hit a low point last week like no other.  which is a pretty amazing feat for us.  the words that were said, the implications that were made….i have tried to erase from my mind and my heart.  they were hurtful, mean and it was exhausting.  for once…and, quite possibly only this one time…i played no role in the argument.  both apologies were so incredibly sincere….loving, even.  a tone of voice i’ve not heard in years.  made me miss another time….another version….another story.

i’ve spoken to my “ex” father in law every day for a week.  his wife moved on to another plane this past weekend.  technically i am not sure what she was to me….my ex step mother in law?????? ha!  let’s bag that title and use friend.  she was that.  she was brave.  she was intelligent.  she was scrappy.  they’ve been married for years, but never had a church service.  he said he found a priest to “break the rules” and conduct a ceremony in the hospital.  a beginning just before the end.  it made me miss being married.  it made me miss my father- in -law.  it made me miss her.  it made me love true love.  even more.

we have migrated to a new tax software at work.  all……and i mean EACH AND EVERY ONE…..of our clients wants to know – WHY is the information different?  WHY are the forms different?  pUUUUUlease can i walk each of them through it.  i miss our old software.

i had a tipsy argument recently with someone i love.  someone that means the world to me.  i did contribute to this argument.  and, i did apologize.  however, i am not sure where they are now.  i mean, i know where their person is.  i just don’t know where they are.  MIA.  missing them.

my boys are a bit down this week, as they’ve lost a grandparent.  seems like a pretty grown up thing.  one has asked to read something he’s written at her service.  MORE than a lovely gesture.  but, also just a bit too grown up for me!  where are my little boys frolicking at my feet….????  (ha ha, that never fucking happened, but it’s a lovely visual)  made me wistful.

another fave friend brought her daughter to dinner this past saturday evening.  when it was time to go i wanted her to stay.  the daughter. we wanted to sit on the couch and watch movies.  i have known her since birth.  although, i loved that little girl always….i love this big girl  she is now SO much that i wanted to ditch her mom and have a sleepover with her!

seems this attachment of mine is self centered.  typical.

SO when i woke up at 3:27 a.m. this morning and scrolled through my inbox….my devotion, every single blog i read, every single motivational speaker i follow, even a scientific publication to which i subscribe was about detachment.  seriously!  not that the idea of detachment is novel, just interesting that that was the only theme this morning.  i went back and looked at them all again later to confirm….and it was EVERY single one.  about letting go.

if you know me at all or have read any of my drivel, you know i am ALL about the staying & that i am a “do not leave at all costs” kind of girl.

for a bit i have been hibernating, meditating, praying, preparing, staying safe and quiet and doing an inordinate amount of thinking about this latest period of my life.  without a doubt the most difficult.  in ways i could not have fathomed.

just to wrap my head around it, i counted on my fingers how many months it’s been going on.

9 months.  exactly.

gestation – the process of carrying or being carried in the womb between conception and birth.

seems so simple, to you, i’m sure!  i just missed it, until now….

letting go feels incredible.  peaceful.  like never before.

it IS all connected.

happy BIRTHday to me.

oh! happy day of love….sniff sniff….

February 15, 2014

a valentine’s (or not) rant.

an ex had to explain the sniff test to me…..when you are at someone’s navel (not certain she used that word) and things start to smell iffy….then, stop~

stop making out, that is.

i read an awesome article this weekend about how your coochie, hair pie, vagina, taco, whisker biscuit, etc. might taste.  well, it’s a human cavity, after all.  i mean, really.  and if they (you know “they” aka whomever) loves you, then it will smell, not to mention taste, FAB.U.LOUS.

if i am in love with you you smell, look, feel and taste divine.  period.  well…period might be pushing it.  actually, now that i think about it, even then.

i had another ex, who clearly was unaware of the sniff test, tell me after i’d been for a long run was the BEST….because it was so me.  just me.

don’t scrub.  don’t douche.  and don’t be a fucking douche about it.  don’t scent.  don’t take too much away.  let it be you.  because that’s who i want.  YOU!

i hear the bush is back.  in fact i saw an ad that proved, on some mannequins at least, that the bush is back.  some people care.  and by care i mean they will have it absolutelyNOfuckingother way than bare, spotless, scrubbed almost raw…..

i disagree.  completely.  the bush might be back.  but, i just don’t care.  i want you every way.  clean, tidy, lovely, in pretty panties, messy, forgotten, natural, real…..i want to experience all of you, please.  PLEASE.

and, i want to know that you will take me however i am.  i want to experience the desire in you to HAVE me (HAVE ME, TAKE ME…you get the picture) above all else….i want that desire to be so all consuming that you don’t stop to sniff….

sniff sniff?  realllllllllllly? …get a tissue, douchebag!

pretty is…..

January 27, 2014

SO, a tiny little lightweight non – earthshattering superficial dagney thought process:

what is with all the hub bub about convincing women they are beautiful no matter what they look like physically?  how about telling/convincing/suggesting to people in general that they are worthy, no matter what.  and women, young girls, daughters???  please make sure they feel fabulous about themselves no matter their age, their weight, their color…i mean, i get it….it IS lovely to feel beautiful.  but there is SO much more….

i, myself, would rather be convinced i am passionate, or witty, or intelligent, or kind, or loyal….  and, sure, if you’ve been treated like you are “ugly”, i do hope someone does make you feel beautiful.  but, not just because you are on the outside.

i am dating, and some of it is online…and in this online dating world the first “weed out” factor is looks.  i get it, but it irks me.  i can honestly say that i don’t really see the way people look on the outside…sure, i can tell you the color of their hair or maybe if they are tall or short.  but, i immediately want to meet them, so i can get a feel for them.  this is still “judgemental”, but seems to me a better judge of character….of both the judger & the judgee…..(those are made up words, bytheway, don’t judge:))

i had a date with a lovely woman last evening and she asked me what my type is…..she described her type to me without mentioning physical traits.  i like that.  i would describe mine the same…IF i had a type.  i do not seem to.

who cares how physically beautiful you are if you are not loyal, if you are not kind, if you are not a generous spirit…….IN FACT, if you are not any of those things, how pretty can you possibly be?

i joke with a friend that i spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.  i complain about my “old” “saggy” face….so, clearly i am superficial.  i like my body better when i am smaller.  i like my hair when it is longer.  i wear make up….well, some.  so, yes, superficial i can be!

and, i know some of this is about health.  it is not healthy to be too little and not healthy to be too big…etc etc etc….i get that advertising in the past had depicted “beautiful” women as unhealthily skinny.  BLECH!  and, while i think this recent onslaught of ad campaigns to make women feel beautiful no matter how they look is positive and definitely an improvement from advertising campaigns of the past….if you truly judge someone based on how they look on the outside, then I don’t think YOU are very ”pretty”….. (which, yes, is also judgement….i know!) so, there!

tell a woman they are smart, tell them they have a big heart….whatever beautiful qualities they have, remind them.  then they will feel beautiful!  in that case…tell anyone.  you know that quote???…. something like “people won’t remember what you said, they will remember how you made them feel!”…guess i just made that NOT a quote, but, oh well!…..make people feel GOOOOOOOOD!

here’s the flip of that particular coin:  if you want to feel beautiful then take the time to make someone else feel good….just anyone, any time, any how…with a smile, a rant on their fabulous qualities, a pat on the back, or HOWever……THEN they will feel that you are beautiful and you will feel beautiful.  and, it will really have nothing to do with aesthetics.

pretty is as pretty does……seriously.